


So, This Is It?

by thealwaysandforever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending, And Breathe, Angst, Dean Loves Castiel, Drinking to Cope, Drunk Dean, Emotional Hurt, Fallen Castiel, Feelings, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, I'm Sorry, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, Loss of Trust, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, Please Don't Hate Me, Sad Dean, Sad Ending, Tired Castiel, Tired Dean, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-25 08:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2614706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealwaysandforever/pseuds/thealwaysandforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He clears his throat,"Hey Cas." </p><p>"What are you doing here?" It's an accusatory tone. Like Dean had broken some trust that had laid in understanding between them. Which had been when Dean told Cas to leave the Bunker and never come back. </p><p>"I'm sorry," it slips from his mouth in a strangled whisper and Dean only wishes that the breeze carries it away. Knowing that it wouldn't be sufficient words to lay some sort of peace. Peace he had known nothing of since Cas left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So, This Is It?

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this to be my other piece And Breathe, but ended up abandoning it because it wasn't going the way I wanted. Anyway, lost track of it and found it in my docs recently, went through lots of editing and I'm very pleased with it now.
> 
> Not saying that I like to write Dean and Cas going through utter angst but,
> 
> it happened and I like it. I hope it makes you feel something even if it is hate for me writing this hah.

* * *

 

Dean just stands there. Fucking _stands_ there for god knows how long. The mid-body of the styrofoam cup begins to absorb the sweat that forms from the middle of his palm. A sudden slight breeze passes through the small tuft of his hair and he sighs. Flashes of slender fingers combing through the hairs on his scalp come and go behind his eyelids. A warm familiar body always by his side during the cold nights the night terrors forbade him to sleep. Present and _always_ by his side.

 

When Dean's eyes open a punch of breath escape his lips.

 

The blue of Cas' eyes always do that to him.

 

He ducks his head and stares at the brown of his boots. Creased and cracked leather forming dizzying shapes all around. He thinks of how long he had actually been standing in front of the Gas n' Sip. How long had he been watching Cas working behind the counter in this shop? How long had he been lost in these thoughts of Cas’ body close to his?

 

"Dean?" His head snaps up at the familiar roughness of Cas' voice. It sends a sharp ache through him.

 

He clears his throat,"Hey Cas."

 

"What are you doing here?" It's an accusatory tone. Like Dean had broken some trust that had laid in understanding between them. Which had been when Dean told Cas to leave the Bunker and never come back.

 

"I'm sorry," it slips from his mouth in a strangled whisper and Dean only wishes that the breeze carries it away. Knowing that it wouldn't be sufficient words to lay some sort of peace. Peace he had known nothing of since Cas left.

  
"Dean I have work to do, I-"

 

"Listen to me. _Please_." Dean rushes forward and grips the arm covered in a light blue button-up shirt. Instantly dropping his hand when Cas begins to pull his arm away,"There is nothing Dean. Nothing you have to say. You said what you wanted and I respect it."

 

Cas had it all wrong. He had to tell him- Dean had to tell him that as soon as the hateful words left him, he had tried to find a way to retract every single letter. Crush them under his feet until they were rendered incomprehensible. Cas needed to know that-

 

"I'm tired. I've been fighting with myself since then, much longer than before that night Castiel," Dean tugs at the sleeves of his jacket anxiously,"Cas you mean more to me than I have the capacity to understand-"

 

"Dean-" Cas begins to interrupt with a worn out sigh, but Dean brings his hand up in a desperate plea.

 

"Let me get this out. Let me just-" Dean sighs and his face scrunches up in frustration. He never had been the one with words. Only mastering in leaving them down the bottle of whatever drink was able to drown the depths of them. His shoulders slump in defeat and he's so damn tired of it all. Tired of not talking -or rather numbing what he was feeling all of the time.

 

"I need you Castiel," Dean steps closer,"I-I need you with me and I think you know that. It was never my intention to make you feel worthless or alone. I had _no_ fucking right to put any kind of burden or blame on you. What I said has been running marathons in my head every single night since you left. I can't sleep without seeing you there, standing in front of me, in so much pain. Because of me! Because I decided it would be easier to hate you for everything that has happened. I'm so- I'm so sorry Cas." It definitely came out much more jumbled and disorganized than he planned in his head, but it was more than he thought he would say, which is better than just standing and staring at Cas with nothing to say at all.

 

Castiel struggles to comprehend what it is he is feeling. Human emotions have become such a difficult and abstract concept to grasp. At any rate he does know one thing and it comes to him without any hesitation.

 

"I forgave you the moment you said everything," Castiel whispers more to himself than Dean. Confusion still lingering as to why. He expected to feel anger towards Dean because that made sense to him, but that's not what he felt.  

 

Dean didn't understand,"W-what? Why?"

 

Castiel shrugs, the motion very unnatural and really weird for Dean to see.

 

"I don't know. I just know I did as soon as I saw your face," Cas tilts his head and his forehead creases in deep concentration, struggling with trying to piece together a decent explanation for Dean to understand,"I know you didn't mean them. With everything going on, the Angels falling because of me putting my faith in the wrong person and Sam being so sick. I wasn't going to fault you for being angry like any other person would be."

 

" _Goddamnit Cas_ ," Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and exhales loudly. This makes his shoulders heavier than they already were. Laden with guilt, frustrated in Cas not hating him how he deserved. Dean almost wants to get a sharp jab to the jaw or his gut. Maybe a swift kick to the groin, but not this. It's too _simple_. He scoffs at that.

 

The word simple had died and withered when he was born a Winchester.

 

"Why can't you just be angry with me? Why do you have to make this harder than it already is?" Castiel takes a step forward.

 

" _You want me to feel hate? Would cursing your name make you feel better?_ I don't understand. Yelling or feeling hatred has never solved anything Dean. Being angry with you doesn't make sense. You might be used to doing things that way, but I'm not and just because I'm human now doesn't mean I will."

 

Dean takes a moment to look at Cas. Really look at him and there's a sudden pull at his chest. Dark rings cover Cas' eyes and he doesn't stand so tall as he used to. Seeing firsthand what he has done to Cas is crushing him now more than ever. Dean’s afraid he’ll keel over any minute.

  
"I never meant for any of this-" Dean croaks, his voice losing strength with every word that rolls from his tongue and past his teeth.

 

"Neither have I Dean," Cas huffs a laugh,"but I do forgive you-"

 

"Then come with me Cas."

 

"I can't."

 

" _Yes you can_." Dean is losing the man in front of him much faster than he is prepared for and a heavy fear starts to crawl up into his throat.

 

"Dean,"

 

"Please Cas. I-I don't think I can lose someone else I care about.. _not you_." The corners of his eyes are beginning to swell with tears and he doesn't even try to stop them. He's starting to choke on the fear gathered in the brim of his throat. And it's dry. And it hurts more than he can handle.

 

"I'm not angry with you Dean. I can't be. But I can be hurt."

 

"When I was an angel I always thought the silver edge of the blade had been the worst pain I had ever felt and I was wrong about that Dean. I thought being in the middle of wars between my family, watching them literally tear each other apart or submitting to torture, even causing my brothers and sister to _fall_ Dean -they can’t compare. I had always thought those were the worst. I didn't know that having someone you care for profoundly turning their back on you, that's the worst Dean. Feeling the hurt settle itself in my soul. Nothing can compare to that hurt."

 

Dean sees the pain fill the blue of Cas' eyes and that's when it hits him. And it hits him hard right in the center of his stomach. And it travels all the way up to the center of his chest and it stays there. Heavy and mean and cold;eating at him slowly and he can feel the teeth of its ugly, monstrous mouth gnawing away at him.

 

"The moment you asked me to leave was when it overwhelmed me. A resounding hurt had washed over me so fast. I didn't need someone to explain what it was I was feeling because I knew automatically. This is what humans felt when they had someone they love deeply step on the trust between them."

 

He has no idea what to do with the palms of his hands when they itch with a need to grab and feel Cas' skin. All he knows is his body wants to offer a comfort that he had lost the luxury of in the moment he told Cas to go. The steady glare bores into him heatedly. The intensity of Cas' words punch him. Dean knows Cas can see it in the green of his eyes, but he can't look away. There is no looking away because for Dean this is the moment in which he loses Cas forever and he wants to memorize the lines of Cas' mouth. The way his tongue swipes at his bottom lip. Dean wants to commit this to memory for when the days get bad and Cas isn't there anymore.

 

Cas tears his eyes away from Dean. From the only loyal friend he had. _Friend_. It leaves a bitter taste on the tip of his tongue. Reminding himself in whispers that sifting his fingers through Dean's hair were only moments to heal Dean, _not_ himself.

 

He shakes his head as he glances at the pebbles riddling the expanse of the Gas Station,"I'm not angry with you, I'm hurt."

 

Castiel watches the Dean everyone else knows form in front of him in seconds with his last words. The twitch of Dean's jaw sets the rest of his face in stone. He wipes at the drying tears from his eyes roughly, angrily, as if the way they rolled down his cheeks offended him.

 

Castiel can't really put into words what the sight does to him. He does know that his throat closes up and his sternum starts to ache.  

 

"So, this is it then?"

 

Castiel doesn’t reply.

 

Dean walks away, bringing his coat tighter around his body. He hates how the wind surrounds him. It only brings memories of Castiel's arms. The way they coiled and fit around his torso. Sometimes afraid people would notice how Dean could finally breathe when Castiel held him.

 

He pulls out of the Gas Station as fast as he can not knowing Castiel’s struggle with the words caught in his mouth as he walks back inside the store. Which may be why his eyes don't catch a man sprint out of the Gas n' Sip doors toward his Impala in the last second.

Hoarse and cracked, a voice calls his name desperately.

Dean doesn't look back at all.

* * *

 

 

It's hours before Dean arrives at the Bunker.

 

His feet drag beneath him as they try to carry his body forward. The drinks did nothing. Bottle after bottle of everything his pockets could afford didn't take away the hollowness of him. The empty part that occupied Castiel.

 

"Fuck," he mutters as he enters his room.

 

His heavy sack of a body drops onto the mattress. It's cold. And empty. And Dean begins to whine because why can't he just _catch a break_? Why can't his brain obliterate any and every thing that reminds him of-

 

" _Cas_ ," That's when he exhales and starts to fall asleep, easy enough under the haze of poison and pain.

 

He can breathe.

 

Of course he doesn’t admit to himself that only when he imagines Castiel’s arms are the blankets wrapped around him, does he really begin to breathe.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so like I mentioned above this was going to be And Breathe. I have a habit of when getting an idea or inspired by a prompt, I start to write something then leaving it to write another, which almost always is the one I choose in the end.
> 
> I mention this because if you REALLY don't like how this ends, go check out my other piece And Breathe. You'll see some similarities between the two and I promise it has a very happy and resolved fin :)
> 
> Thanks for reading, you're lovely!


End file.
